LOS ANGELES: Scientists and doctors made a joint announcement earlier today that is sure to bring some cheer to many folks around the world: eating chocolate just got a whole lot sweeter.
In a new study, the researchers found that an active ingredient in chocolate can help relieve chronic coughs in about 60% of cases and that the dosage needed can be consumed in just 2 1/2 ounces of dark chocolate per day.
While the researchers were thrilled with just one discovery, they were eager to pursue the matter further.
"We figured that if chocolate, often considered a dessert and 'junk' food, had health benefits, reasoning would lead us to believe that other foods deemed unhealthy actually could benefit the consumer." said one member of the team.
The researchers tested a variety of different products including Cheetos, Doritos, Twinkies, Dr Pepper, and Goldfish, all of which showed to have hidden assets in the midst of all the chemicals.
"We tested [the products] and were quite surprised at the results. The smallest of the benefits occurred when Doritos were consumed. We found that in 27% of consumers reported improved vision when two small bags were consumed every other day. Next came Cheetos, which increased a person's muscle mass in each person's legs by more than 5.2%. Then came Dr Pepper, which helped reduce the size of ulcers in more than 49% of consumers."
"But the biggest surprise of them all was the Twinkie, which displayed the ability to cure cancer in 14% of consumers, AIDS in 38% of consumers, and hyperemesis gravidarum in 98.3% of people involved in the testing process."
We hope the Royal family purchases a lot of twinkies for the Duchess before they disappear completely. Despite all the health benefits, researchers warn that overindulging in these products may have risks later in life, so medicate carefully.