DAMASCUS: Over the past few days, the international community has been watching with growing concern as news reports have appeared detailing the orders given by the Assad regime to ready the country's stockpile of chemical weapons.

According to the reports, the orders were to begin mixing the chemicals required to make sarin, a nerve gas that can kill within a minute by inhalation and absorption through the skin, and is so toxic that even small concentrations of vapor can be fatal. In 1988, a single bomb containing sarin was dropped on the Kurd city of Halabja, killing 5,000 people instantly.

The recent orders have prompted many to wonder if Assad was desperate enough to use such weapons on his own people. Use of the weapons would certainly prompt an intervention by NATO and other international forces. But those fears were put to rest, and new ones began, when Assad himself appeared on state earlier this morning:

"My government has no intentions of using chemical weapons." he said, "Such weapons are for the weak. If the resistance does not lay down their arms soon, we will be forced to release 40,000 homosexuals into the city streets!"

Reporters say the threat was met with sheer terror in Damascus, where homosexuality is illegal and offenders face fine penalties if caught.

"Our city is destroyed physically, and now we face the possibility of it destroyed morally." said one woman. "No leader would ever do this to his own people, no matter how desperate they are. If he does, Assad is not a human!"

If the homosexuals are released, they have the potential to do significant damage regardless of which side Damascus is controlled by. Glitterbombs would be thrown at everything until it covered the city, rainbows would be painted onto walls, Rihanna's "S&M" would blare on the radio, and state TV would be filled with shows like "Glee", "New Normal", and "Desperate Housewives."