Hello all,
It's been a long, long time since I've spent much time on Newsvine, and I apologize. I needed to take a few months off for several reasons:
- Firstly, I needed a break.
- Summer was hectic, and I didn't have the time I normally do to write for this column.
- As I head into my senior year, college applications start. Yes! I will be looking forward to majoring in Journalism. I have several fantastic schools that I am applying to (but I'm not saying which ones!)
- Summer time=girls in bikinis. Newsvine takes time away from that hobby. Bikinis are always the priority in my life.
Despite all that, I am coming back refreshed and ready to write more fantastically bullsh*tty articles for your entertainment. I've spent a lot of time pondering how I should make my grand, 4-comment article return to the 'vine, and after much thought (in between the bikinis), I will kick off the column with everyone's favorite topic: politics.
More specifically, the Presidential Race 2012.
Today I will be analyzing the performances of the two candidates at their respective conventions. However, being a teenager means that I am not supposed to care about policy, nor past successes/failures. Nor do I judge the candidates on the dresses their wives wear. Being a conservatively-dressing male, I prefer to judge the candidates based on their selection of ties.
Both men are wearing striped ties, which definitely means that both candidates paid careful attention to each other's style of dress and probably even called each other to co-ordinate their wardrobe. This point is supported by the color of each man's tie, since they happen to be the man's party's color. The color selection also indicates a lack of creativity within each man as he is unwilling to break from standard procedure, indicating in turn that each man is unlikely to work with the other side of the aisle while in office. Now we can take a look at the stripes. Notice how they run in the same direction, but Obama's is silver and black, while Romney's is black and silver. These two clearly have issues with one another- suggesting a lack of communication between the two? If you're going to stripe-coordinate, make sure you do it properly.
Turning to the tie of President Obama, the richness in the tie's blue was definitely chosen with care, in an attempt to excite the ladies in his base by completing the "tall, dark, and handsome" effect. However, the color choice gives Republicans a new angle on the "Obama hates America" attack point. Notice how the blue is darker than the blue on the American Flag? Not good. Republicans will be quick to point out that this blue matches the imaginary blue on the imaginary Kenyan flag. Obama also wears his tie slightly crooked, AWAY from his flag pin.
Republican consensus: Obama hates America.
Romney's tie is even more crooked than Obama's, but TOWARDS the flag pin, suggesting that he is desperate to prove that he has a massive infatuation with this country. I bet you that if Michigan was a person, he would (line removed by the Christian Moral Censors). But notice how his knot is slightly too tight. No, this does not suggest a stiff-necked conservative, but rather it tells us that he is anti-Russia and does not support raising taxes.
The smallest of details may make me look like I'm nitpicking, or rather, "Mittpicking" (haha it's a JOKE! Get it?) but do you notice how the left side of the tie is lower than the right side of the tie? That is a deliberate attack on the Democratic Party. The party may get retaliation if it decides to point out that the American flag is slightly crooked, however it's crooked in the right direction so it's only an anti-abortion symbol, and not an anti-American symbol.
Democratic consensus: Romney hates babies.
Chinese consensus: Both candidates are stupid and should be taken advantage of.
Clinton's consensus: Both candidates' wives are better looking than what he used to be married to.
Leafy's opinion: How fast can 2016 come?
~~~
I hope you enjoyed this and I look forward to writing more in the next few days. Please, if you have anything to add, leave a comment below.