EUROPE: After many painstaking years, the team of researchers devoted to capturing Speedy Gonzales has finally accomplished its goal.
The little mouse that can get any cheese he wants was detained inside an atom smasher when numbers showed that an object was travelling faster than the speed of light. The researchers then halted all of the atoms being smashed together and captured the hooligan.
"The cat finally caught up" said one ecstatic scientist, "The game is over."
That's the only quote that Loretta von Birch, our field correspondent, could get before the scientists got too drunk to speak English. Speedy was effectively trapped inside the high-tech loop, so shouts of "Andale, Andale, arriba, arriba!!" could be heard over the celebrations.
Speedy is wanted on outstanding speeding tickets for travelling over the legal limit of 55 MPH. In every case, Speedy was travelling faster than 670,616,629 MPH. He will be detained for a while in Pyongyang, then transferred to Moscow for a few years, then will be released into his native Mexico. He has also been ordered to remain cheese-free for 7 years.