OSLO: Reports broke early this afternoon of the conclusion of a 50 year study on the intelligence of people based on where they live. The results shot down the historic belief that village people had less intelligence than their suburban or city counterparts due to "lack of core evidence".
Loretta von Birch was on scene today to explain what this all means. "Leafy, the scientists behind the study were unable to come up with any documented proof confirming that the Village people have any less intelligence than the rest of us. Their brains are the same size and seem to function in the same manner, according to the sources, and the village people seemed to be up-to-date with the available technologies. They also performed basic, routine functions like the rest of the world's population. The only thing that observers could surface with was their sometimes erratic behavior spawned from emotional stress or excitement. Basically, the village people throw strange parties."
Our other reporter, Chuck Cedar, was in Stansel, Alabama, watching the celebrations of the local residents. "Leafy, strange parties indeed. When I first told them of the news, the residents proceeded to run around in circles and make engine noises for ten minutes. Then, they knocked themselves out by either running into trees or smashing their pickup trucks head on with each other."
UPDATE: After reviewing Chuck's report, a judge has ordered a re-examination of all evidence since the study began 50 years ago, saying that "the actions of the village people are unnatural and would not be performed by peoples of higher intelligence."
The last time people were deemed to have sub-human intelligence levels were the followers of the cult known as the "Beliebers". To be placed on this list, your intelligence level must be at or below the level of a porpoise, the second most intelligent creature known to man.