WASHINGTON: In an interesting turn of events inside the political epicenter of the country, the Capitol has been invaded by every Republican's worst nightmare: hundreds and even thousands of gay men.
The men, planning to march around in support of equality, arrived by bus, plane, and train several nights in advance and spent the first few days sightseeing, shopping, and planning their great event. However, they only made it several feet inside the doorway of the building before the riots, and consequently, the nightmares began. The first few lines of men, upon seeing the outfits of the officials inside the structure, fainted immediately, while the rest began arguing among themselves and then, charging at their victims, screaming something unintelligible that included the words "fashion emergency" in between offering fashion advice.
The violence did seem to hit a lull for a few precious moments when the rioters happened upon the statues lining the main visitor's hall, and upon seeing their brilliance, fell to their knees in awe. However, the feeling was interrupted when another group of men rounded a corner and started shrieking when they saw a particularly ghastly portrait of George Washington.
The next few moments were possibly the most difficult to watch as the gay men spotted Rep. Michele Bachmann, the anti-gay GOP candidate hopeful, trying to make her escape, and descended upon her. When the attack was over, Michele was left lying on the floor unharmed but wrapped in an old polka dot dress that appeared to have been hand sewed in the 1950's. Most if not all of the visitors and workers in the building were also re-dressed but in a noticeably more pleasant and festive fashion. Senator Mitch McConnell, for example, appeared to have been wrapped in one of Lady Gaga's dresses.
Our own reporter, Loretta von Birch, was there on confidential business and scored a designer dress complete with a pair of 5 inch heels. She spoke over the phone this afternoon, "Leafy, we are all still recovering from this morning's attack. The men have all either gone home or were arrested a few hours after the main assault, but many of the victims are still under a great deal of stress and many employees are attempting to assess the damage to the building, which mostly comes from torn up canvasses, replaced by pictures of naked male actors."