MONTANA: Born in 1956, Montana was arguably one of the best NFL quarterbacks of his era and to ever exist... wait, you want me to talk about the state? Fine... the state hasn't accomplished anything in recent history, though they do have a couple of nice parks where the buffalo can tear you to pieces for $19.99. It has some people and some indians, which are also people (in case any Mormons are out there, yes they are as good as you). Really though, Montana hasn't done much and will continue to do nothing. We should be talking about Joe Montana instead. He's much more interesting.
NEBRASKA: The do-nothing rednecks of Nebraska are, well, do-nothing rednecks. The primary purpose of Nebraska is to annoy the hell out of Kansas and Nebraskans take that mission to heart by doing absolutely nothing and avoiding yellow brick roads at all cost. The residents also spend their time figuring out the current time, since some of them at certain points of the day will have 7PM on their clocks, and some will have 8PM. Apparently, no one has ever agreed upon the correct time and Nebraskans will set their watches to whoever's watch is closest. Other than that, Nebraskans do nothing else except drink kool-aid.
NEVADA: There are three primary types of people in the state of Nevada: criminals, including drug dealers, thugs, and... criminals; hookers, including prostitutes and strippers; and gamblers/casino workers. 97% of the structures in Nevada are casinos and strip clubs, the other 3% are shiny signs and hotels. Nevada is composed of just 1 street that loops all around the state. The slot machine to people population is almost 200,000:1 and the average income is -$3,056,791.21. The span of average residency in Nevada is less than 1 week.
NEW HAMPSHIRE: New Hampshirians are a fairly predictable sort of people: conservative. New Hampshirians are too busy being afraid of Massholes and finding ways to conserve things to do anything else of importance. A person will not want to work hard so that they can conserve their energy, or think hard, which is why they vote for Sarah Palin, so they can conserve their brain power. They aren't often seen on the news for fear of the ultra-liberal Massholes, and they want to conserve the Masshole's anger for them.
NEW JERSEY: New Joiyzeans are a rather ghastly sort of breed of Americans. They are the only known orange people in America and often told apart from the rest of the people by their slurred speech, annoying accent, ridiculous hair and fashion sense, and unforgivable attitudes. Favorite activities of New Joiyzeans in order are:
1. Getting wasted
2. Flying high
3. Doin' the nasty
4. Making themselves more Orange than before
5. Picking fights and other forms of violence
They are led by a short and fat little person known as a "Shnooky". The "Shnooky" is often the least intelligent in the entire state whose main goal in life is to accomplish the five things listed above. Never provoke anyone from New Joiyzey as they will speak to you in unintelligible phrases (since their accents are SO ridiculous) and then get even more upset when you don't respond. They are stubborn and will grow angrier and angrier, whether they are wrong or wrong, until you give them drugs, alcohol, or if you're orange and drunk, "fun time". NEVER visit New Joiyzey for no one has ever emerged unscathed.