ANIMAL WATCHDOG ADVISORY: New Reports published Wednesday have shown that Penguins are increasingly turning to drug use in the past few years, and that 1 in 7 Penguins is now a cocaine addict.
Scientists are still unsure as to why Penguin Cocaine usage is on the rise. According to one source, the reason behind the drug addiction may be a little known phenomenon known as "wing envy":
Many believe that the deterioration of peguin wings into flippers has led to a species wide phenomenon known as "wing-envy". Cocaine may be used to alleviate the emotional pain associated with wing-envy or, alternatively, may provide some birds with the temporary illusion of flight. (HK)
According to a similar report, the rise in cocaine usage may be resulting from a declining marijuana usage among the residing populations in Antarctica. Marijuana, also known as a "gateway drug", was introduced to the populations in the late 1960's and has seen its popularity rise in the past few decades, particularly within the Emperor Penguins. The necessity for the younger populations to gain an even greater "fix" may be resulting in the rise of a hardcore drug. In fact, Marijuana imports in Antarctica have been declining since 2002, and in 2009, Cocaine imports surpassed Marijuana.
Geologists are frantically searching for an answer as well, and believe that the climate and location of the South Pole may be playing a factor on the drug usage.
Given the penguins geographical location, with essentially unfetterd routes of access and egress to and from South America, it has become well know within the penguin communities near the Antarctic coast that cocaine can be brought to the continent easily, and with very little risk of interventon by law enforcement. (BJ)
It has been found that cocaine usage by penquins during the coldest months of the winter increases heart rate and body temperture. One penquin, a King Penquin of course, said "hey, you want us to all freeze to death here." The other penquins tittered and waddled away very quickly from this reporter. It was also reported that hiding the cocaine is easier during a snow storm. (VD)
Early signs of the increased usage can be traced to the Hollywood Documentary of Penguins known as "Happy Feet". Experts have been searching for the source of the Penguin's sudden ability to dance uncontrollably. In fact, the drug usage has led to some other extreme behaviors, such as this.
Scientists are now examining the youngest Penguin generation in an attempt to spot warning signs of a different drug, but so far, aside from a small fringe addicted to heroin, there appears to be nothing. Experts are still conducting tests to see what may have been the initial cause.
UPDATE: It appears that already addicted Penguins gain a craving for Cocaine or other hard drugs from the sound of Morgan Freeman's voice. Scientists still do not know if non addicts gain the same craving as tests were inconclusive. Voices of other celebrities did not appear to have the same effect, except for Christina Aguilera's, which, when played to groups of penguins, caused them to commit mass suicide.