This is PART TWO of a ten and a half part series. Confused? Check out Part one!
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COLORADO: This state is full of mountain loving half breeds. Long ago, in 1980, the inhabitants of this kinky state grew fascinated by a new fantasy: mountain goats. Thus, the Coloradian was born, and now dominates the population of this state. Colorado never has an elevation less than 25,000 feet and residents spend most of their time looking down at the clouds. Residents list their favorite activities as walking up hills, running down hills, and sitting on a slope, looking at the graceful slope of the next mountain 20 feet from them. In fact, rumor has it that a resident of Colorado considers himself unworthy if he hasn't climbed at least 12 mountains each day. Fun fact: a Coloradian will be paralyzed if you place him or her in a flat room.
CONNECTICUT: Who gives a damn about Connecticut? No, seriously, nobody really cares about Connecticut. What do they have going for them? A women's college basketball team? It's not even NBA! Most importantly: the members of the team play like girls. The last time anyone in Connecticut made the news was almost a decade ago. The last time Connecticut made headlines was when it was incorporated in.... wait, did anyone care enough to write the date down?
CANADA: America's b*tch and 51st state in the United States of America. Canadians are only distinguishable to Americans by the simple fact that they are not as good as Americans and therefore ineligible to hold a US citizenship. While it does have its own system of government, Canada and its citizens devote almost all of their time to fulfilling the wishes of the United States. One clever tactic by the US government: ban any persons from living in the northern 99% of the country, even though most Canadians would not dream of doing so, as that would require living outside of walking distance from the US border.
DELAWARE: These self absorbed persons are people that I hope you never cross, especially in a shopping mall or supermarket. Delawarians are OCD about being first for everything. Forget about winning a tournament, expect a Delawarian to take it. Supermarket? NEVER stand before them in a line, they have been known to hurl watermelons at people in their way. If you need some comical relief, stand in a safe location outside of any store on Black Friday. Last year, over 1,000 Delawarians got into a fistfight over the first spot in line... two weeks before the event.
FLORIDA: When not sleeping, driving 15 mph on the freeway, or in a weekly doctor's appointment, the residents of Florida are either somewhere on the 9th hole of a retirement community or in the local water aerobics class. The median age of Florida is a young 93 and the primary mode of transportation is wheelchair. I'm not ageist or anything, but when you go down to relax for a week's vacation you do not want every third woman around town looking exactly like your grandmother. And if you do have to visit this state, steer clear of any personal encounters with residents, who have been known to yap about the 20's endlessly for hours until they begin to repeat stories. There's nothing more exhausting than a Floridian's story afternoon.
GEORGIA: The state of non residents. It has been reported that 90% of the population of Georgia does not actually reside for more than a day in the state. In fact, of that 90%, 53.6% of that population lives in Terminal 3, gate 22. Georgians never use cars, rather they prefer airplanes, especially jumbo jets. Most Georgians have never even heard of a car, the main industry is Subway, and their TV is terrible, only showing weather, national news, and time. However, on the brighter side, them Georgian women can have some damn fine peaches...
