Alright Folks: starting something new. Each Tuesday for the next ten Tuesdays I will analyze 5 States and the local populations. This is meant to be pure satire so enjoy!
ALABAMA: God's hellhole and nothing less. People in Alabama are often found smoking one thing or another, whether it be an illegal drug or the neighbor's poodle, you can distinguish an Alabamian from a crowd simply by asking them, "What is Jesus thinking right now?". If their answer is anything other than "I don't know", you have got an Alabamian!
ALASKA: Caribou humpers. This is the only known source of the disease known as Sarah Palin. Often, when traveling through Alaska you will see various peoples organizing themselves into mass caribou-hunting parties to satisfy their various and kinky fantasies in life. It often takes many years of traveling before you will come upon an inhabitant and it may take a lifetime to find a citizen that doesn't utter the phrase, "You betcha!"
ARIZONA: The red guard. This is a particularly dangerous southern breed, especially since they are partially in charge of our borders. They are willing to shoot and seize anyone who is more than 1% hispanic or less than 90% white, and have set up automatic sniper rifles on our fence to shoot at anything that moves. However, for all of their strengths in human hunting, their weakness is drug hunting. Statistics show that for every 1000 persons caught, 1 bag of marijuana is detained (percentage points are +/- 100).
ARKANSAS: The people from this state-that-is-its-own-country are wild and unpredictable. They only hold 1/2 US citizenship, while the other half belongs to the country of Arkansas. Full US citizens should take enormous caution when travelling through the mystical and strange landscape and more favorably avoid this state at all costs. These native characters can be spotted due to their loud and violent behaviors.
CALIFORNIA: The people of California are mostly perceived as less intelligent than the citizens of other states. Many Californians can find their way to one of their overrated beaches, as well as point out Britney Spears' ta-ta in any location, but are often left clueless when asked to give an intelligent answer about a US or world issue. 0.1% of Californians can find California on a map, even less can find the US, and ask any citizen about a foreign country, and you will receive one of three answers: 1. I don't know, 2. Who wants to get wasted? 3. HAHAHAHAHA what???